The last poem I will write (that is a massive lie)

4.30am and she is trying to speak to god like she believes he exists.
Bleeds like she is trying to speak to the stars,
when all she wants is to get further lost in herself,
I wish this girl was mine but she’s not.
I can see his hands now on the back of her neck, contrasting skin
the angle at which she holds her head
like she’s dancing,
she’s not.
He’s not even there.
I have never been jealous like this before
but I can see it in the way she looks at me
that he is not exactly what she wants
like I was.
Maybe I should give her a name:
tree trunks trembling towards the ground like they’re trying to get back home;
flowers thriving on the dirt made from your mother’s bones;
the song I still sing to myself every time I am terrified of the lights turned out;
my names are too long. I have too many words written about her.
I couldn’t even tell you about a reflection in her eyes without writing a fucking poem about it.
I just want her to dance,
to dance with me like I am a ghost and she is the last person left on this earth,
like a storm wrapping itself entirely around a streetlight,
like cracked eggs leaking what could have been into the dust,
her telling me I came on too strong,
too soon
too fast.
I just didn’t want to lie to her.
She absorbed all my blood sugar,
left me shaking and sour,
“just let me sleep all night”,
I will pretend I’m simply exhausted,
let me try and act like this didn’t happen,
let me attempt to act normal around you,
let’s pretend you didn’t vomit all those lies on me
after you kicked me to the ground.
At least I was honest.
I don’t think about you like I used to,
but when the rain is tapping my window like it wants to come inside and make a friend,
it is only masking the glaring silences you forgot to take with you
when you left me that night.
At least I was honest.
But I never told her that she was my church,
my last crumpled cigarette stuffed into my backpack whispering:
“they’ll never find you here,”
praying to you that we would be something more,
like midnight movies,
4 am ballrooms,
ringing ears after a concert,
like I heard you,
ringing through telephone lines after you left me,
you only ever called after you forgot it was my birthday.
You only cared when it was convenient,
when we were away from prying eyes,
when he was nowhere to be found,
do not try and deny it,
I am not stupid you know.
I am not blessed with numbers,
I do not know anything about the meaning of life,
or the behaviour of protons,
but I can mix colours and take a good photo
sometimes I write,
I still don’t know what a poet is, though.
I can only see that she moves like these words write themselves,
and she speaks like music bleeding through a closed window,
I swear I am still cracked.
The day that I left she never even said goodbye,
though I still have tattoos left from the tips of her fingers on those heavy handed nights,
I swear,
they didn’t even sting.





LOVE ❀ ❀